her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
