I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
