Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
