i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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