Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
