Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my mouth tastes like poor choices
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
