threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
