Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
