so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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