you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
