Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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