Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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