Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
