I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
