new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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