i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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