Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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