Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize