Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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