Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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