I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
