I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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