My sheets look like a crime scene.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
