Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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