is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
