exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
