You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
