My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Come see our sink grown plant.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
