My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I came so hard my ears popped.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
