there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
