Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
