No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
