i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
