she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
