Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
