Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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