i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize