You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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