On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
