And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
