TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
