Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize