She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
