Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
