Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
