I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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