look no pants
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
