Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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