genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
