found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
