I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
