so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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