What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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