My boss' voice literally gives me gas
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
