Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
