Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
